A Seasons Greeting

What is Christmas to you?

To me it is preparing my Great Grandmothers recipes that my Mother taught me.

It is hot days, good company, prawns and chilled wine.

It is time for laughter, family and friends.

It is time for reflecting on the year that has been and for the new one to come.

It is time for remembering those that we have loved and lost.

Merry Christmas everyone may your new year be filled with love, light and laughter.

Mel

With me always

When I finally got to my five years it was the most scary but exhilarating day of my life.

I was glad there would be no more hospitals, X-Rays and blood test but also terrified about the fact nobody would be checking up on me every few months - I was on my own.

Now another year has passed and I am not so scared any more - I have made it through and look forward to the coming years cancer free and living a normal life without hospitals and Doctors.

But the truth is my cancer will never really go away - it will always be with me as it was an event in my life that while devastating at the time also gave me so many gifts and so much insight into the beautiful life I have and the blessing of my precious family and friends and for that I will always be grateful.

Lessons Learnt

If someone starting their cancer treatment asked me for advice this is what I would tell them.

•Be active in your care.

•Be kind to yourself.

•NEVER look up about your cancer on the Internet – I repeat NEVER.

•See a counsellor – I found the wonderful Belle through a cancer support centre - she was my rock and helped give me clarity through some very difficult times.

•Don’t feel like you have to speak to everyone on the phone – it can be exhausting and not too healthy to be having the same conversation with people about your treatment six times a day – send a group email outlining everything every few weeks and speak to people when you are up to it.

•Learn to say YES when people offer help – This was my biggest lesson learnt and the one for which I am most grateful. People’s kindness and generosity gives you so much strength and positivity as you are going through your treatment and can also be overwhelming - as Belle my amazing counsellor told me by being able to help you even in a small way it makes those around you feel like they have been able to do something worthwhile for you and not feel so helpless.

What would your advice be? It can relate to motherhood, loss, cancer or anything you like – let me know.

Finding the strength within

I used to get told how brave I was or I strong I was when I was ill.

I never used to feel very strong or brave just scared, alone and most days quite sad.

But looking back I think I was stronger than I ever probably thought I would be - I had this inner strength that I had never had to utilise before so until I had cancer never knew it was there.

I also think I shut a big part of myself down just to get through.

I think it is those around us that do our grieving and cry tears for us while those of us affected by some illness or tragedy keep our heads down and get through it the best way we can and hopefully make it out the other side not too badly bumped or bruised just slightly frayed around the edges ready to take on life again.

This photo was taken in the last few months of my treatment – I was tired, ill and probably at my lowest point of that year and not feeling very strong at all. (Image taken by Ali Shipard)

Who inspires you?

You may wonder why I have included some websites and blog links.

Well some are friends whose work I admire and love, others are just beautiful sites and blogs which I love and are totally indulgent.

Two are especially important and inspiring to me as they show the strength of human spirit and the courage we have to go forward in the most difficult of circumstances.

One is the Nie Nie dialogues by Stephanie Nielson who received burns to over 80% of her body in a horrific plane accident.

She is a mother to four young children and has another on the way.

Her story is especially relevant knowing some of the hurdles she has had to overcome as not only a mother but as a burns victim such as my son Jude.

You can see her story here: http://nieniedialogues.com/

The other is the beautiful and whimsical blog of photographer Sheye Rosemeyer.

Again her strength and courage and the inspiring things she has done after losing her daughter Ava in a terrible accident at home in 2007 has touched me in a profound way – this is her story and you can see her story and the
wonderful tribute to Ava that arisen from her family’s loss here: http://www.sheyerosemeyerphotography.com/blog/

I am inspired by people in my everyday life too, not only those close to me who have suffered immeasurable personal loss but those who live their lives with a full heart and open mind - I take encouragement and inspiration from them everyday x.

My Hero

Anyone know the Foofighters song ‘My Hero’?

Well that is my little boy Jude.

He is my ordinary but so extraordinary special little boy who gave me the strength to keep going.

He was my inspiration and for such a young man has been through so much in his short life already.

See without Jude I more than likely would not know I had a tumour until it was making a significant impact on my chest and all its internal workings.
He came out 10 weeks early just so I could begin treatment and then 14 months later suffered significant burns to his hands and stomach in a terrible household accident.

While these incidents in his life have made him an extremely sensitive little boy he also has the most amazing sense of humour and outlook on life.

He is most definitely the most individual of my children and we all love him dearly for it!

Jude at approx 2 weeks of age and just out of intensive care

Jude recovering from his burns at 14 months

Jude today(Photo by J Brown photography)

Saying the 'C' word

It took a good two weeks before they could tell me it was cancer - As time went on myself, husband Ken and all our family and friends new that the outcome was inevitably going to be the big 'C' or 'that' as many of my loved ones put it – conversations would go as follows:

"It couldn't be that could it Mel?"

"No it couldn't be you know what I mean not that could it?"

I got to the point of saying "What - you mean cancer? You need to say it, you need to say the word cancer."

I think at that point it was said more for myself than any-one else as a way of preparing for the final outcome.

And when our worst fears were finally realised nobody could still say the word - nobody could say cancer as at the time everyone was terrified of what that meant.

Images of hospital beds and tubes and looking ill all the time crossed my mind as at the time that was my only experience of cancer - the images I saw on television which always showed the worst case scenario.

But I know better now - I know that it dosen't always mean the worst and that while cancer has taken me on a very bumpy ride it has empowered me in more ways than I know. It has given me the gift of seeing what an amazing circle of family and friends I have surrounding me and for that I will always be grateful.

What about you?

What was your experience before your diagnosis or that of a family member?

Let me know your thoughts.

Upside down world

Its not words you imagine you are going to hear at 20 weeks pregnant. That you have cancer and that while they know it is there growing in your chest they can't exactly tell you what it is and you might not be able to continue with  your pregnancy.

It turned my world upside down - those first initial few weeks when I found out I had a rare form of cancer growing in my chest - a Germ Cell Tumor they called it.

After some discussion I was allowed to go forward with my pregnancy and although initially my baby was meant to be born at 28 weeks we pushed for an extra two and got to the vital 30 weeks where I knew my babies lungs would be better developed to cope with his early entry into the outside world.

So it was on May 10, 2005 that my cancer 'journey' would officially begin. Our son Jude was born by c-section that morning so tiny but so strong.  I got to hold him in the operating theatre for longer than expected and then he was taken to the Neonatal Intensive Care unit to be tubed up and put on breathing apparatus to help his little body cope.

I was exhilarated and relieved but that evening would begin possibly the most emotional and toughest week of my life. I not only had initial post birthing complications but also had to undergo my first official scan where the dyes could be used to outline the tumour, its size and exact location in my chest.

The result were not good as it was wrapped around my major arteries and close to my heart - at the time I always thought that having a tumor removed was the best treatment option - that this foreign growth would be removed from me and I would be well again.

A few days later I had my heart checked as they were going to go ahead with Chemotherapy, which I had hoped I would not need. It was at this appointment that I broke down and cried like I have never cried before - the sorrow and anger I felt was overwhelming as was the fact I was expressing milk and trying to recover from a caesarean - All in all not a very pleasant day!

So after 8 days in hospital it all ended again in tears as we left without our little boy Jude - who had to stay until around his due date of July and it was for him that I had to stay strong.

He had come early so I could get better and I owed that to him.

SO it was with this determination that exactly two weeks after giving birth I started chemotherapy some of you may know that it can be one of the most crappy things you hope you never have to experience!

Welcome

After years of procrastinating I have finally done it and created a blog - so please if you choose to follow forgive the mistakes, blanks spaces and layout until this all becomes clearer to me!

My name is Mel and at 31 years of age and 20 weeks pregnant I was diagnosed with cancer. What was most difficult for me to deal with during my treatment and the subsequent 5 years following was the total lack of information and support for women and men in my situation - That being supporting a young family and relationship while undergoing cancer treatment and the additional stresses this bought to your treatement and recovery.

For me I felt totally alone and found that recommended books did not relate to me or my situation due to them being written by people who were often retired with grown families and living in comfortable financial situations.

So this is where my dream begins with this blog to connect with others like me, to provide support to others like me and one-day to write a book for others like me and for those yet to come - I welcome you all.